PROCESSING GRIEF
T |
ragedy of the sudden death of Derek Loux has great implications for us in the Body of Christ, for the Loux family, for those close to them, for the IHOP family and also for our family because of our daughter Tiffany's deep involvement with Derek and Renee, their family and their ministry to orphans. Tiffany was home for Christmas when she received a phone call at about 3:30am on Dec.23 that a terrible accident had occurred involving Derek. She woke us to asked us to help her pray. We prayed together for about three hours. As I was leaving for church at 6:30am, Tiffany received the devastating news that Derek had died. The three of us are now grieving the loss of an amazing man who was like a second father to Tiffany in many ways. Those of you who know that we lost our 18 year old first born son Peter nine and a half years ago through cancer, will understand the place grief holds in our family.
As we have processed this painful reality in the past few days, I have been compelled to write some thoughts.
I came across a profound statement by Dietrich Bonhoeffer this morning called "The Unfilled Gap" that says it well;
“Nothing can fill the gap
When we are away from those we love
And it would be wrong to to try to find anything
Since leaving the gap unfilled preserves the bond between us.
It is nonsense to say God fills the gap.
He does not fill it but keeps it empty,
So that our communion with another
may be kept alive even at the cost of pain.”
“God does not fill the gap, but keeps it empty...”
It has been said “...no life is without its empty, broken places.” (John O’Donohue)
The empty places of grief are vacuums that demand to be filled. We have been given the gift of a free will to choose what will and will not fill the empty places of our lives. When death (which is primarily defined as separation) breaks in and steals the ones we cherish and hold in honor, then we are confronted with an empty place, a gap, a vacuum that is so sacred that even God will not tread on that holy ground.
The gap is first filled with much emotion – denial, anger, depression, anguish and tears – dark feelings that are deep expressions of the holiness in the bond between us and the one we still love. Some might come as "Job's counselors" and try to evict these poignant affections, or judge them as evil, or even us as wrong in holding on to them. But these are the deep tones of real love that must be treasured if death is not to be victor and love is to be unquenchable.
However Satan wants to fill the gap with not only separation from the loved one, but also to multiply and amplify the separation with self-pity, isolation and bitterness. Because of our free will there is the danger that we would receive Satan’s poison and lose even love completely to the grave.
Time is essential because, “it takes a long time to learn the art of inhabiting the loss.” (John O’Donohue) We need time, and we need both solitude and community to carry us through this deeply shaking time of adjustment. We are created to center in joy and not sorrow, and only the joyful faces of those who cherish us can bring us back to joy again. ("Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy." John 16:22.) I was looking at pictures of the Loux family with my daughter last night and there was a picture that Tiffany came across on her computer of Derek with a crazy expression on his face that caused both tears and joy to erupt from her eyes for a moment. The emptiness must be filled with these moments of pathos to sustain the precious memory of the bond of love.
God does not fill the gap, but God will always balance the scales. But in this issue of death God is just. God does come and make things right. When death comes suddenly, too early or without just cause, we are forced to fill the gap with questions “Why?”.
When our son Peter died in July of 2000, my wife and I discovered that we were processing the grief differently. She was primarily focused on the loss of relationship and presence with our son. Though missing him desperately, I primarily focused on the injustice of the loss of the fulfillment of his destiny. We both tried to fill the gap with different things but found that God would not yield to the immediacy of our demands. He left the space empty and our thirst unquenched.
DIVINE PAYBACK
As we have processed this painful reality in the past few days, I have been compelled to write some thoughts.
I came across a profound statement by Dietrich Bonhoeffer this morning called "The Unfilled Gap" that says it well;
“Nothing can fill the gap
When we are away from those we love
And it would be wrong to to try to find anything
Since leaving the gap unfilled preserves the bond between us.
It is nonsense to say God fills the gap.
He does not fill it but keeps it empty,
So that our communion with another
may be kept alive even at the cost of pain.”
“God does not fill the gap, but keeps it empty...”
It has been said “...no life is without its empty, broken places.” (John O’Donohue)
The empty places of grief are vacuums that demand to be filled. We have been given the gift of a free will to choose what will and will not fill the empty places of our lives. When death (which is primarily defined as separation) breaks in and steals the ones we cherish and hold in honor, then we are confronted with an empty place, a gap, a vacuum that is so sacred that even God will not tread on that holy ground.
The gap is first filled with much emotion – denial, anger, depression, anguish and tears – dark feelings that are deep expressions of the holiness in the bond between us and the one we still love. Some might come as "Job's counselors" and try to evict these poignant affections, or judge them as evil, or even us as wrong in holding on to them. But these are the deep tones of real love that must be treasured if death is not to be victor and love is to be unquenchable.
However Satan wants to fill the gap with not only separation from the loved one, but also to multiply and amplify the separation with self-pity, isolation and bitterness. Because of our free will there is the danger that we would receive Satan’s poison and lose even love completely to the grave.
Time is essential because, “it takes a long time to learn the art of inhabiting the loss.” (John O’Donohue) We need time, and we need both solitude and community to carry us through this deeply shaking time of adjustment. We are created to center in joy and not sorrow, and only the joyful faces of those who cherish us can bring us back to joy again. ("Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy." John 16:22.) I was looking at pictures of the Loux family with my daughter last night and there was a picture that Tiffany came across on her computer of Derek with a crazy expression on his face that caused both tears and joy to erupt from her eyes for a moment. The emptiness must be filled with these moments of pathos to sustain the precious memory of the bond of love.
God does not fill the gap, but God will always balance the scales. But in this issue of death God is just. God does come and make things right. When death comes suddenly, too early or without just cause, we are forced to fill the gap with questions “Why?”.
When our son Peter died in July of 2000, my wife and I discovered that we were processing the grief differently. She was primarily focused on the loss of relationship and presence with our son. Though missing him desperately, I primarily focused on the injustice of the loss of the fulfillment of his destiny. We both tried to fill the gap with different things but found that God would not yield to the immediacy of our demands. He left the space empty and our thirst unquenched.
DIVINE PAYBACK
A |
s I drove to work immediately after hearing of Derek’s death I must admit that I was not numb and silent, but was screaming out for justice. "This is not right! This is not fair! This must be made right! I don’t get it! There must be something bigger going on than I can see that God is about to do!" Listen to this quote from Henri Nouwen; "...when a teenager, a young adult, or a person at the height of his or her career dies, we feel a protest rising from our hearts; 'Why...Why so soon?...Why so young?...It is unfair!' But far more important than quantity of years is the quality of our lives. Jesus died young. Saint Francis died young. Saint Therese of Lisieux died young. Martin Luther King, Jr. died young. We do not know how long we will live, but not knowing this calls us to live our lives to its fullest potential."
Later on Wednesday morning I was prompted to pick a book off my bookshelf called “Books of Destiny” by Paul Keith Davis. This has turned out to be a powerful book of insight in response to this crisis. Let me summarize five insights that are helping us and may help you as well as you wait for" the scales to be balanced."
Later on Wednesday morning I was prompted to pick a book off my bookshelf called “Books of Destiny” by Paul Keith Davis. This has turned out to be a powerful book of insight in response to this crisis. Let me summarize five insights that are helping us and may help you as well as you wait for" the scales to be balanced."
- God is looking for vessels to render end time acts of justice on earth in special “kairos” times. But everyone who is called is not necessarily qualified and appointed to administrate that justice. Derek and Renee and their family were clearly called, qualified and appointed for justice for the orphans and the trafficked.
- In Daniel and Revelation it is clear that God will render justice on this side of eternity, both before and when Christ returns.
- Justice will be rendered in heaven and earth for whatever the enemy has stolen. God will not allow any of His impartations or heavenly endowments to be lost forever. He will recover and amplify everything the enemy has attempted to devour and destroy. (Joel 2:25)
- If we “fill the gap” with self-pity and bitterness we may miss the invitation to rise up and “plunder the enemies camp”. If we enter into his poisonous attitudes and judgments we will empower him to nullify grace and preempt God’s administration of justice. It has been revealed that Satan has a “trophy room” where he collects the anointings and destinies he has stolen. If we stay in the position of surrender, abiding, humility and waiting on God He will allow us to arise with Him and plunder the enemies camp restoring all that was stolen and multiplying the fruitfulness of those lost gifts and destinies.
- God is not only administering the vindication due as a just payback for us on earth, but also from heaven from the “cloud of witnesses” (Heb. 12:1). He allows some of His precious ones, “of whom the world was not worthy”, to be “recruited” into this company of end-time spiritual warriors in the heavenly places to fulfill and release the fullness of His economy on earth as it is in heaven. The payback required is to be sevenfold, which may mean literally seven times. But" seven" fully means “completion or perfection.” Justice will be complete. Restoration will be total.
A few weeks ago a prophetic intercessor friend of our family had an encounter where she was taken to heaven while watching the web cast of the outpouring of the Spirit in a student awakening at the International House of Prayer in Kansas City on Nov. 11. She was taken into the brilliant presence of God and He said to her, “I am about to do powerful things on the earth!” She immediately asked ”Is that why you take some of your precious ones to heaven before it seems the right time?” (she had just had a dear friend die of cancer) The Lord responded, “yes,” and then she knew she was going to see someone in heaven. As she turned, she saw our son Peter “drumming like a wild man,” (he was a drummer on earth) and “every drum stroke was intercession sending end time, Kingdom in-breakings to the earth.” When she came back to earth out of the encounter her feet (which had been broken months before and still in pain) where instantly healed!”
I encourage you today as you face your “empty places” and the grief of losing those you love to the “great cloud of witnesses,” that you would call for the scales to be balanced and for everything stolen to be restored and perfect justice be rendered by the agreement between our surrendered lives, and those who are in heaven.
Kent W. Larson
Father, Pastor of Prayer
Vineyard Community Church
Laguna Niguel, CA
